It feels good after years and years hiding behind a mask and listening to what another people try to tell you to be then finally tell them i'm me and i'll be who i wanna be.
I'm me again after 5 years i back to my old self, and people who knew me back then are proud.
I've missed out on so much, but there is one thing, i won't go back to some stuff i used to do, i won't become the exact old me!
I'm not going to the BA old me, i mean i'll still have a little but not compleate BA! who got detention alot and skipped, got high and became a regular at JDC!
When you are in love, in a long distance relationship, when he bought you tickets to a concert with the "OUR" song bit, and then he leaves, it's sad! But you don't want to waste the tickets so you go with friends.
Then the "OUR" song comes on and you see other teen couples start to dance, you stand there staring at them with a sad face, singing along trying to hold back the tears that you want to cry, but then you feel somebody pull on you and twirl you around, dip you and then give a kiss. It's the guy you fell madly in love with. All this happened last night! My long distance boyfriend surprised me as an early Christmas prez. I didn't want him to leave, he just got here. He gets to stay for a week then has to go, i'm spending every waking moment with him!
I even snuck him in my room like before when he lived here in town, he'd just lay there with me, he respected that i wanted to wait but we always had to wake up at 4:30 am, so we could get him out before my rent's caught him, we went to the park and talked, talked about things we didn't want to say on Skype, or thought e-mail/facebook. It was nice to see that he went out of his way to make my one Christmas wish come true, I wished i could see my first and only love one last time.
I guess Santa is real, and he does give you gifts if you're good all year round (2 months before Christmas if you want to get technical)! but knowing he did all this, i know for sure that he does love me.
When you think of preps, populars, PERFs, what do you see?
Pretty freshly did hair, perfectly non-chipped nails, named brand clothes?
I see someone who wants to be a leader but doesn't know how. I see that they want people to like them because they've never been liked before, i see beauty hidden behind all the make-up, high fashioned high expensive clothes, and hair that would make me tired to do in the morning.
I see a lot more than what you guys see.
I know when they're mean to you, you just want to be mean back, come up with come backs and do all the same things they do but just tell them what you see.
Everybody's the same but have different interests, and other ability's.
Look inside and out before judging them.
Wanted to be Cinderella, hide behind a mask, hide everything behind it. Was scared people would't accept it. lied to everyone.
Now i want to stop pretending, i share these words because it's me.
I'm scared to sing out loud, i hate it when people read my stories, i love to drink pickle juice, i love kick boxing, my dad has went to jail, i have never met my grandpapa's, i am Mexican, i like guys with a southern accent and motor-cross, i never really act Mexican, i love to tell the truth but never out loud (Thank you blogs!), i hate to show that i'm smart but fight my tech and computer teachers when i get an A-, i am a film geek, i like having different groups of friends, i love being weird and still being accepted, i dance, i play hard to get, i love my boyfriend but he lives far away, i hate it when people say people don't belong together, I say random things, i run around stores and play hide and go seek with my friends, i still act like a kid, i have upper class friends, i be nice to everybody, i only fight people who talk smack on my friends, or family i don't care what they say about me but if it's worth give them something to think about then i go for it, i spend every moment with friends who i don't have classes so i can fight the whole myth of the high school friendship split up, i hate when people talk behind your back, when people lie to your face, i love my family even though i don't show it all the time, i love my family even if i don't know them, i have friends who tease me about being a future pre-k teacher because i have the mind of one, i have friends who go to another high school but hang out with them a lot and i'm athletic even though i hate gym.
So many things people don't know about me because i USED to pretend to be somebody else. Now you know me, so accept me. BUG! LoL
Sometimes life never explains it's self and the tiny details. Life want's you to find it yourself, so you can mess up and learn from your mistakes.
Mistakes are like being dressed in the RIGHT outfit. Perfect knee length boots,fitted dark skinnies, a cute top and a statement scarf but behind it all there could be a tiny rip in your shirt that's being covered up by the scarf or you boots hurt your feet.
Being popular to some people and have others hate you, it hurts. You think all the time what can you do to fix it?, what did you do to make them hate you?
Maybe it's because they see you sucseed, being dressed perfectly, have friends that are popular, head chief of the newspaper, pefect A+ in tech and other computer classes; but really i'm poor, i get my clothes from donation places, my step-dad is controling and my real dad hates me. The only reason why i'm friends with the "popular" people is because i was friends with them way before they were "popular".
Life is a big game, like a track meet with people who had a lot more training than you did, or facing judges in a dance meet, or the teacher editor hates you peice. It's scary!
What i do to get through is stand with my head high, let people say what they want, and thank them for stateing their opinion and say you like who you are and it doesn't matter what they say. I have friends who care, and love what i do at school, plus i'm not all that perfect, i got a D- in Bio because the teacher i have is the one i had in the 7th grade and we kinda fought a lot but other than that i try really hard because i need a scholarship, i want to go to college.
So be who you are, don't be scared or insecure when somebody points something out they don't like about you, if i was the old person i would probablly be telling to knock them out but that never solves anything, soon enough you'd be calling you pal by his/her first name and have you feet up on their desk.
SO be TRUE to yourself, and never back down!
I don't mind being invisible anymore, all my bf's friends are talking to me now that we me and my Bf are talking again, i just tell em' nice things but don't hang out anymore. As soon as... if we do break up they won't be talking or even care of my presence anymore. Like i care but i rather not have that. So i love how i'm back to normal and not worrying ever 5 seconds wondering if he moved on. G2G see y'all later!
To continue on at school; the people who i used to hang out with when i was with my boyfriend doesn't talk to me, doesn't even knowlege me like before. Except one, Noah but that doesn't really count because he was my bestie who i had lost when he went to southwest.
Now he's by my side making sure i eat, making sure that i stay alive. He the bestest friend, and i really need that, no wonder why i missed him when he left. He's the only guy i can see and not see my compicated relationship status boyfriend's face.
I just wonder why, why would he be so nice to me? He e-mailed me to keep in touch but i always ignored, i felt if i e-mailed him back that i would miss him more. Before i only saw him at Track meets and he wouldn't even talk to me, i told him that i did miss him because he was always there. Now, when i'm with him; he makes me want to talk about everything. I should of e-mailed him back when he asked for help. I never even opened them, i just saw the subject title and contiued to talk to my friend Calli and my cousin Am in texas. I always asked them what i should do, they love Noah, they say he's like a brother, and i too think of Noah like that, they were mad that i wasn't talking to him.
When i enter high school, i was sure that i got my best friend back.
Thank's Noah. I know you read my blogs but you are scared to blog. I know you love too.
I'll help you make one today. I'll be your first friend!
What's to be thankful for? I would be thankful if fate didn't play with me head! Why give me something that i would fight for, than take it away? I hate that i'm in love, or thought i was. Somethings were probabally weren't ment to happen and it comes your way anyways.
This love was an addiction, like a bite of a love bug. People said i was happy, and i guess i was. He made me happy, for the first time in years i didn't have to fake a smile and i miss that i have to go back to my old self.
Is it a coping skill to not want to cry but go back to every spot that you and him were the happiest?
I didn't even get to say goodbye!
I didn't get to say i loved him, one last time and every time i think of the first time he said it, i think back to the toy store and when he said it through a prince puppet.
He was so insecure that he couldn't get it out, "you i'm love crazy!" i laughed and kissed him.
Is it a crime to want to cry over your first love?
I never thought in a million years that for me, i would fall madly and truely in love with someone. Everywhere around me, love had died.
This boy tried everything, i didn't want to go out with him at first. He was that preppy guy who took advantage of everything around him; he loved that girls falled to the floor and worshiped the ground he walked on, and that he could get out of anything. I was that film nerd, who changed and never got in trouble as much as she used too.
So why out of all the girls did he fall for me? The question i always asked through out or time together.
We were so in a movie romance; every moment felt so real, and now i pass by the spots we were the happiest and all i see is the play backs, i can't even walk through the rotunda without looking at the spot we danced at, i can't go to the tennis courts where we danced to my favorite song that he requested. He said i changed him, he changed who he was because when he met me and i told him i didn't like idiot jerks like him, he said i was right that he looked in the mirror and didn't like what he saw.
My love, he had moved after telling me he wasn't going to, that his mom said that she changed her mind. He let me borrow yet another one of his plaid overshirts, this time a green one, after i already had a purple one at home. We sat up on the balcony looking down at the deserted basketball court, he looked at me and put a necklace on me and kissed me saying that he loved me and i fell for it.
He was gone the next day and monday, and tuesday. So i decided to bring his homework to him, when i got to his house, i saw a moving truck and him walking out with a box to put in the van. He saw me and he knew that i was pissed. we fought for an half an hour and then his mom walked out, telling him to say goodbye to me. He tried to kiss me goodbye, but i turned my cheek. I began to walk away but i turned and took off his green plaid over shirt and threw it in the yard, along with the necklace he gave me.
Now i'm going crazy, it's been 3 weeks since he left, and i'm seeing his face in everybody that passes by me in the hallway, dating since homecoming, the 27th of November would be our 3 month annerversery.
You will never forget your first love, no matter how young you guys are or how old. No matter if you believe in fairytales or not; i believed that love was over- rated, and when i felt i was falling, getting to much in love i tried to run but he caught me, knew what i was doing and said he wasn't going to leave me, and i felt like this one will last.
True love is real but you got to find the right guy, one who will stay with you when you want to run from it when you really don't want to, or when they change for the better because you pointed out all his flaws and he saw it too. He will always will be my first love. I made the biggest mistake of not listening to him, how his mom was making him, how he had no clue that he was moving but he did love me, and i know that now. I got to call him and tell him i'm sorry. My grandmama said that what i have, is what my gradpopi and her had and i always wanted that, and now hearing that from her, i guess i did... do have that!
Previous PostsBecoming a better old me!, posted January 11th, 2013
A true loved early christmas prez, posted December 7th, 2012
Look before you judge, posted November 30th, 2012
Pretend, posted November 29th, 2012
Life's tiny details, posted November 29th, 2012
Alright, posted November 27th, 2012
My best friend, posted November 20th, 2012
Is it a crime?, posted November 19th, 2012
Love is over- rated... Till' you fall, posted November 16th, 2012
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